Disappear
by starbuckfaerie21
Summary: An alternate turn of events during 04x12: A.W.O.L.


 **Disclaimer:** Sadly, I don't own Arrow. It belongs to DC Comics and The CW.

 **Pairing:** Oliver  & Felicity (Olicity)

 **Rating: T**

 **Summary:** An alternate turn of events during 04x12: A.W.O.L.

 **Author's Note:** Some dialogue snippets taken from the actual episode.

Felicity Smoak was alone in the loft that she shared with Oliver, agonizing over the mistakes she'd made when she'd tried to help the team at the free port.

 _She'd let the team down._

 _She'd let Oliver down._

 _She'd almost gotten John killed._

She kept hearing the voice of her earlier darker self replaying over and over in her head.

 _Please we both know you're in no position to do anything._

 _If you were you'd be back out in the world instead of holed up here._

 _I used to be you._

 _Or you used to be me._

 _Strong._

 _Confident._

 _Brunette._

 _But you wasted all that away to go play superhero._

Felicity closed her eyes tightly for a moment, willing her dark doppelganger to disappear.

But when she opened her eyes she was still right beside her as she worked at her computer.

Then the voice of her darker self suddenly merged with Oliver's.

"I've got Spartan. We're good."

 _No thanks to you._

 _She's right._

Felicity thought, the words echoing over and over again in her mind.

 _I couldn't help the team._

 _It was my fault._

 _I can't even help myself._

"Oh my God! You're right, okay! You're right! Now will you _please_ just shut up and go away!" Felicity shouted, closing her eyes in frustration yet again.

She just wanted to be left alone.

She just wanted Oliver to come home.

She just wanted to sit in silence with him without having to apologize for what went wrong tonight.

 _It's all your fault you know that right?_

 _You were the one who couldn't stop the security doors from closing._

 _And if tonight is any indication, I can't do the one thing that I'm still supposed to be able to do._

Felicity shook her head, her shoulder-length blonde hair swaying a little as she did so.

She felt hot tears rolling down her cheeks as she whispered, "I know. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

She thought the apology would be enough to make her darker self disappear.

But when she opened her eyes yet again, her vision blurred by tears, the doppelganger was still there, right next to her ear.

 _If you really want to make me go away, I can think of a way…_ Her darker self whispered, a conspiratorial grin spreading slowing across her darkly painted lips as if she had a secret that no one else knew.

"What do you mean?" Felicity whispered back, even though she knew she was alone in the apartment.

 _I think you know what I mean._

Her doppelganger replied softly, her heavily lined dark eyes ticking back and forth between Felicity and the bottle of prescription pills on the counter.

Felicity shook her head whispering, "No…no…no…"

 _Since I'm you the only way for me to disappear is if you disappear._

"I can't…"

"I won't…"

Her doppelganger smiled, and whispered, _Yeah, I knew you wouldn't have the guts._

Felicity knew what she was about to do was dangerous and beyond stupid. But all she wanted was some peace and quiet.

 _If I take just a few more pills, I'll pass out and she'll go away._

 _She'll disappear._

Felicity swallowed one more pill and waited.

She was still there.

She swallowed another.

She didn't disappear.

This time Felicity shook out a whole handful of pills and swallowed them with a gulp of water.

She tried to put the half empty pill bottle back on the counter, but her usually agile fingers suddenly felt too large and clumsy and she dropped the bottle, the pills echoing like marbles as they hit the hardwood floor.

Seconds later the glass slipped from her fingers too, the spilled water forming a small pool at her feet.

Her vision began to swim.

And her doppelganger disappeared.

 _Ha!_ _I made her disappear._

That was Felicity's lastthought before the nausea and dizziness washed over her like an uncomfortable wave.

She tried to keep herself upright, but she lost her balance, her wheelchair tilting sideways as she fell.

The hardwood floor rushing towards her as she fell was the last thing she saw before she lost consciousness.

Oliver sighed as he approached the apartment. He knew Felicity would be upset after what happened at the freeport tonight.

 _She'll probably blame herself._

 _And she'll be worried about John._

Oliver thought as he reached into the pocket of his leather jacket in search of the keys.

As he opened the door, he called out to her, not to loudly, "Hey, you okay?"

But the only reply was silence and he gasped as he pushed open the door and saw Felicity and wheelchair on the floor, amid what looked like shards of broken glass.

She was bleeding from a shallow cut across her forehead.

"Felicity! Felicity, what did you do?" Oliver shouted, in shock and disbelief.

Something small and white crunched beneath the heels of his boots as he sank to the floor beside her.

 _Her pills._

Broken glass cut into his palms and wetness seeped into his black jeans as he took her in his arms and felt the pulse point in her neck.

Her pulse was slow.

 _Too slow_.

But it was there.

Her breathing was labored.

 _But she's still breathing._

Oliver thought as he reached into the pocket of his jacket grabbed his phone and dialed 911.

"Felicity, can you hear me? Open your eyes, Felicity! Felicity, _please_ look at me,"

Felicity!"

He shouted, his voice growing louder and more desperate each time, as he jostled her a little hoping the movement would bring her back to consciousness.

Felicity heard Oliver's voice calling to her from far away.

And with great effort, she opened her eyes and whispered, "Oliver…I love you…And I'm sorry…I just wanted to make her disappear." Felicity said softly, her voice sounded unfamiliar and alien even to her own ears as the words ran together.

"I love you too… And it's okay. It's gonna be okay. Just stay awake. Just stay with me." Oliver whispered, struggling to keep his voice calm.

He could hear the ambulance sirens in the distance.

 _Help is coming._

He sighed, with relief as he slowly got up from the floor with Felicity in his arms.

Her glasses were askew on her nose and one of the lenses was cracked, but he reached out and straightened them.

The gesture seemed to rouse her a little bit.

"Oliver, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…I just wanted to make her go away…To make her disappear…"

"You wanted to make who disappear? Oliver asked, desperate to keep her conscious and talking until help arrived.

"Talk to me, Felicity!" Oliver said, his voice urgent, his fingers gripping her arms too tightly, trying to keep her present.

She'd probably have bruises shaped like his fingerprints but at the moment he didn't care. He shook her gently as he eyes started to drift closed again.

"No, Felicity, you've gotta stay with me! Do you hear me? Stay awake? Tell me who you wanted to make disappear.

"Her…Me…Not me…Me…Me…I mean….The other me…"

"Felicity, honey, you're not making any sense." Oliver said as the sirens grew louder.

"I know…I never make any sense…I'm always speaking in sentence fragments…That's why you love me right? Why do you love me?"

"Felicity Smoak, did you seriously just ask me that?

Despite himself, Oliver smiled.

 _Only Felicity Smoak could make him smile when there was a life hanging in the balance._

 _Even if that life was hers._

I'm clumsy and awkward…And my brain can never think of the right way to say things….And I totally screwed up tonight…"

"Yes, you did. But that doesn't make me love you any less." Oliver whispered, brushing her hair away from her face.

"You promise?" She whispered, the words running together.

"Not even if I threw up on you right now? Which might happen…Because I'm feeling very very nauseous…And the room is spinning…And…oh frack..."

Felicity groaned as nausea overwhelmed her as blood pounded in her ears, "Oliver…I'm going to be sick."

"That's okay," Oliver said softly, the scruff on his cheek brushing against the shell of her ear. "I've got you, Felicity. You're okay. Just let me turn you on your side.

"So I don't…"

Those were the only words she could manage to utter before she vomited on the hardwood floor.

The paramedic rushed inside and Oliver laid her gently on the stretcher, tasting her blood as his lips brushed against her bleeding forehead.

"Oliver, I love you…" Felicity whispered just before she lost consciousness again.

When Felicity awoke, there were bright lights all around her.

Too bright.

 _Hospital._

She thought, groggily, as she blinked against the painful brightness.

Suddenly Oliver came into her field of vision, his muscular form mercifully blocking out the light.

She could see the worry in his eyes.

The only other time she'd seen that expression on his face was when she was in the hospital after the shooting.

 _I'm sorry._

She didn't realize she'd spoken aloud until his blue eyes softened and he whispered, "It's okay. How're you feeling?"

Felicity shrugged, "Pretty awful. Can you ever forgive me?"

Oliver laid his hand over hers, and nodded, "Talk to me, Felicity. Tell me what's on your mind. I love you. And I want to help you. _Please_ , let me help you."

Felicity chuckled, "Isn't that usually my line?"

Oliver nodded and replied, "Start talking" in the same low voice he used when he spoke to criminals and street thugs as The Green Arrow."

"Since I was injured, I've been seeing things."

Oliver nodded, "What kinds of things?"

"Myself. The person I was before I met you. She kept telling me that what happened was my fault…And that I'm not good for the team…Not good for you…And I just wanted to make her disappear. And then for just a split second…I wanted to make myself disappear too. I'm sorry, Oliver. I love you…

Oliver's lips were suddenly pressed against hers, and when he pulled back they were both breathless.

"I love you too," He whispered, "Don't ever try to make anyone disappear ever again.


End file.
